Well, alright. This article was tricky to craft - I had over 12 pages of notes, and, as I think it is evident from the writing, I was unclear about how to structure this.
I think, too, that I was not sure what I should focus on. As usual, I had a very different "vision" for this article - at first, I thought it would be about the lack of security and deficient policies on campus. In fact, it turned out to be quite the opposite story as I interviewed more and more people - the attitude of the students, the racial issues surrounding security on our campus, etc, reflected a completely different story.
That said, I want it to be more than whining about how K students are just so mean to staff here. I want it to have some overall point of emphasis, a "take away message" but that may not be something I can force out of a story. It just is what it is right now - a series of somewhat interesting observations.
I think my "diagnosis" of what I need to do from here is this: interview MORE, structure this MORE, and perhaps write an outline to hone in of what, exactly, this article is about.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Comments on Final Article Drafts
Austin -
I do like that you composed an outline - it helps me to see where you are going. There are lots of interesting pieces that could be developed here - Are you going to focus on Jan and his background, or the GLBT groups he is involved with? Or are you focusing on Fire? It was a little unclear, but obviously, once you do the interviews you will have a lot of material to work with.
Jackie -
Hey, I really feel your passion about the topic in this piece. That said, I think that the beginning is much stronger than the middle/end of the piece. I know how hard it can be to not turn a topic you care about from a well reported piece into a rant...but I would be careful to NOT make it a rant. You will actually win over more readers if you use more quotations, anecdotes to back-up your assertions. (which are, after all, very valid - but you don't need to convince me, you need to the rest of the people who might read this).
Finally, I feel that several of the paragraphs at the beginning of the piece AFTER the nut graph could be shortened or cut - a few of the lines I have underlined on the copy I printed out and will give back to you tonight are redundant.
Martin -
As usual, you have such skill at making your writing flow and transition so smoothly. I love the way that you write!
I also enjoyed your intro - the first paragraph is the strongest. I wish the transition from night/day was stronger - you really need to make that the "pivot point" of your article. I THINK you intended the day-transition to illuminate the environmental issues with the dunes - but you could make that much stronger.
I think it would also improve the piece if there were more detailed illustrations of the problem - like more quotes and anecdotes.
Overall, though, I do love your piece - the only significant problem is that it is so smooth that it almost...floppy?...for lack of a better word. I think you need to structure this a little more, make the transitions stronger.
Regis -
I think the first thing with this piece is that it needs a stronger lede. I am sort of unsure WHO this is about. I do love how you flesh out the Noah's character - the details about his life and childhood were great. I loved the bit about Dilbert. I'm not sure I really see what his plight is here - is it to do science projects that sometimes don't work out?
Overall, I think the piece just needs more focus. Towards the end, I was really left wondering what this was about...I think the wonderful details you provide could be better organized to provide a clear image of Noah? or whomever you want the focus to be on.
Toni -
I think you do a really good job with this piece. I love that you give just enough background information on growing grapes (something I know little about) and the history of Ohio to give us a good sense of the context for this story.
You must have really good interviewing technique because you get great quotes out of people - I think you could utilize this to get some more "local color" about who goes to this winery, as opposed to the "entertainment wineries" that Gretchen talks about. Could you interview someone who goes to visit?
Overall, the transitions and details are lovely - you have A LOT of information in here, but you package it really well. The one weak transition is at the top of the third page..."She's not a Riesling person..." What is the significance of this quote? It seemed awkward and a little out of place.
Other than that, I really, really enjoyed reading this! Nice work - you are a gifted writer!
I do like that you composed an outline - it helps me to see where you are going. There are lots of interesting pieces that could be developed here - Are you going to focus on Jan and his background, or the GLBT groups he is involved with? Or are you focusing on Fire? It was a little unclear, but obviously, once you do the interviews you will have a lot of material to work with.
Jackie -
Hey, I really feel your passion about the topic in this piece. That said, I think that the beginning is much stronger than the middle/end of the piece. I know how hard it can be to not turn a topic you care about from a well reported piece into a rant...but I would be careful to NOT make it a rant. You will actually win over more readers if you use more quotations, anecdotes to back-up your assertions. (which are, after all, very valid - but you don't need to convince me, you need to the rest of the people who might read this).
Finally, I feel that several of the paragraphs at the beginning of the piece AFTER the nut graph could be shortened or cut - a few of the lines I have underlined on the copy I printed out and will give back to you tonight are redundant.
Martin -
As usual, you have such skill at making your writing flow and transition so smoothly. I love the way that you write!
I also enjoyed your intro - the first paragraph is the strongest. I wish the transition from night/day was stronger - you really need to make that the "pivot point" of your article. I THINK you intended the day-transition to illuminate the environmental issues with the dunes - but you could make that much stronger.
I think it would also improve the piece if there were more detailed illustrations of the problem - like more quotes and anecdotes.
Overall, though, I do love your piece - the only significant problem is that it is so smooth that it almost...floppy?...for lack of a better word. I think you need to structure this a little more, make the transitions stronger.
Regis -
I think the first thing with this piece is that it needs a stronger lede. I am sort of unsure WHO this is about. I do love how you flesh out the Noah's character - the details about his life and childhood were great. I loved the bit about Dilbert. I'm not sure I really see what his plight is here - is it to do science projects that sometimes don't work out?
Overall, I think the piece just needs more focus. Towards the end, I was really left wondering what this was about...I think the wonderful details you provide could be better organized to provide a clear image of Noah? or whomever you want the focus to be on.
Toni -
I think you do a really good job with this piece. I love that you give just enough background information on growing grapes (something I know little about) and the history of Ohio to give us a good sense of the context for this story.
You must have really good interviewing technique because you get great quotes out of people - I think you could utilize this to get some more "local color" about who goes to this winery, as opposed to the "entertainment wineries" that Gretchen talks about. Could you interview someone who goes to visit?
Overall, the transitions and details are lovely - you have A LOT of information in here, but you package it really well. The one weak transition is at the top of the third page..."She's not a Riesling person..." What is the significance of this quote? It seemed awkward and a little out of place.
Other than that, I really, really enjoyed reading this! Nice work - you are a gifted writer!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Workshop Rough Draft: Week 10 (oh my gosh - ITS WEEK 10!!)
Utopia on the Hill
Andrew Vermeulen answers the shrilly ringing phone. He is sitting behind the desk in the Security Office at Kalamazoo College, wearing a stiff-looking blue shirt and black pants. His hair is cropped and short, and, much like the sparsely decorated security office itself, he looks like a man of business. On the other end of the line, a high-pitched female voice sounds panicked, desperate. It is the mother of a student at the college. She sounds as if there is an emergency, but Andrew’s face does not contract or express any sense of urgency. He holds the phone away from his ear, sighing. Her son is lost, the mother says. He must be in a very bad situation. The mother has not heard from her son in 48-hours. Can Andrew please track him down on campus? No, she does not know his room number. Or what residence hall he lives in.
Andrew hangs up the phone. “People expect us to know and do everything,” he says with a slight grimace. “I’d say seventy-five to eighty percent of the time they [parents] don’t know what dorm their kid lives in.”
This is a typical Thursday night in the Security Office, according to Vermeulen. Vermeulen has worked in Security at the school for three years, and, unlike what many students might expect, the majority of the petty crimes that security is called to deal with are just that: petty. Sometimes, like the mother calling about her missing son, the things that security is called upon to handle aren’t even crimes at all.
If there is anything stressful about the job, it seems to be not the occasional stolen I-Pod, or the even more occasional campus flasher. If anything, it’s the kids at K College themselves that pose problems for security. “They so pamper and shelter these kids – it’s laughable,” says Vermeulen.
He recalls being taunted and laughed at by students. As he makes the rounds, he says he is often thrown dirty looks. He says that several students on his most recent round yelled something about a “police state” at him before running off. He feels students don’t give security a fair appraisal. “There’s a perception that our department is bumbling. We’re put in positions where we can’t win. We’re constantly made to look foolish,” says Vermeulen. He cites the lack of authority campus security guards have. Unlike what many students believe, security guards have no power to touch or arrest students. In fact, security is not even authorized to seize illicit drugs from students. He states that if he were to “arrest” a student, it would qualify as nothing more than a citizen’s arrest.
As one of the few minority members of the Kalamazoo College staff, director of security Tim Young reports being treated badly by students as well. In particular he says that even on a campus where students pride themselves on being open-minded, Young felt discriminated against for his first year on the job. “It took awhile, it wears you down. If you’re not a strong person, it’ll get to you,” Young says. He comments that the other minority workers that students see on campus are typically in low level positions, and he says he feels as though they are treated badly by students. “I would venture to say myself and Dean Joshua are fortunate in that our positions are different,” he comments, referring to the one of the college’s deans, who is also black.
Five years ago, when Young first came to the department as the chief of security on campus, he recalls a dispute he had with the BSO, the Black Student Organization on campus. As a black man, he insists that his staff treats students of color with the same policies as white students, but he will admit that the perception of unequal treatment is still there. Young recalls that the BSO came to him asking to borrow a security guard uniform for a skit. They had planned to depict what they felt was racist treatment and racial profiling by security guards on campus, and needed the uniform as a prop.
Young does say that he feels rude or insensitive behavior from students directed toward him and his staff has gotten better since the arrival of college President Dr. Wilson Oyelaran. “A chunk of it [the racism] changed when the president came.”
When all is said and done, Young attributes the rude behavior he and his staff have experienced to the relative privilege of students at Kalamazoo. “Some students have never worked – and they don’t have compassion.” Amanda Geer, a freshman at Kalamazoo College, feels strongly that everyone is nice to security and members of the staff at K. “I’m nice to everybody,” she says. “Except for people I hate.”
If there is any kind of criminal activity bubbling under the surface of K’s seemingly idyllic campus, for the most part it has to do with drugs and alcohol. Under the Cleary Act of 1989, all undergraduate universities in the United States are required by law to report all criminal activity that occurs on campuses across the country. Last year, while there were no aggravated assaults or reported cases of robbery, there were one hundred and fifty five liquor law violations, and ten drug-related violations. In every one of the liquor law violations, not one arrest was made. Instead, disciplinary action by the school was taken. All but two of the drug-related offenses were treated in the same manner.
Young, who retired from the Paw Paw, Michigan state police force several years ago, takes the job of supervising security at K seriously, but ultimately, doesn’t seem too worried about criminal activity on campus. He sits in the over air-conditioned security office, so cold compared to the heat of the oncoming summer weather outside that goose bumps rise on his brown skin. “We all get held accountable, at the end of the day,” he says, and he leans back in his chair.
Andrew Vermeulen answers the shrilly ringing phone. He is sitting behind the desk in the Security Office at Kalamazoo College, wearing a stiff-looking blue shirt and black pants. His hair is cropped and short, and, much like the sparsely decorated security office itself, he looks like a man of business. On the other end of the line, a high-pitched female voice sounds panicked, desperate. It is the mother of a student at the college. She sounds as if there is an emergency, but Andrew’s face does not contract or express any sense of urgency. He holds the phone away from his ear, sighing. Her son is lost, the mother says. He must be in a very bad situation. The mother has not heard from her son in 48-hours. Can Andrew please track him down on campus? No, she does not know his room number. Or what residence hall he lives in.
Andrew hangs up the phone. “People expect us to know and do everything,” he says with a slight grimace. “I’d say seventy-five to eighty percent of the time they [parents] don’t know what dorm their kid lives in.”
This is a typical Thursday night in the Security Office, according to Vermeulen. Vermeulen has worked in Security at the school for three years, and, unlike what many students might expect, the majority of the petty crimes that security is called to deal with are just that: petty. Sometimes, like the mother calling about her missing son, the things that security is called upon to handle aren’t even crimes at all.
If there is anything stressful about the job, it seems to be not the occasional stolen I-Pod, or the even more occasional campus flasher. If anything, it’s the kids at K College themselves that pose problems for security. “They so pamper and shelter these kids – it’s laughable,” says Vermeulen.
He recalls being taunted and laughed at by students. As he makes the rounds, he says he is often thrown dirty looks. He says that several students on his most recent round yelled something about a “police state” at him before running off. He feels students don’t give security a fair appraisal. “There’s a perception that our department is bumbling. We’re put in positions where we can’t win. We’re constantly made to look foolish,” says Vermeulen. He cites the lack of authority campus security guards have. Unlike what many students believe, security guards have no power to touch or arrest students. In fact, security is not even authorized to seize illicit drugs from students. He states that if he were to “arrest” a student, it would qualify as nothing more than a citizen’s arrest.
As one of the few minority members of the Kalamazoo College staff, director of security Tim Young reports being treated badly by students as well. In particular he says that even on a campus where students pride themselves on being open-minded, Young felt discriminated against for his first year on the job. “It took awhile, it wears you down. If you’re not a strong person, it’ll get to you,” Young says. He comments that the other minority workers that students see on campus are typically in low level positions, and he says he feels as though they are treated badly by students. “I would venture to say myself and Dean Joshua are fortunate in that our positions are different,” he comments, referring to the one of the college’s deans, who is also black.
Five years ago, when Young first came to the department as the chief of security on campus, he recalls a dispute he had with the BSO, the Black Student Organization on campus. As a black man, he insists that his staff treats students of color with the same policies as white students, but he will admit that the perception of unequal treatment is still there. Young recalls that the BSO came to him asking to borrow a security guard uniform for a skit. They had planned to depict what they felt was racist treatment and racial profiling by security guards on campus, and needed the uniform as a prop.
Young does say that he feels rude or insensitive behavior from students directed toward him and his staff has gotten better since the arrival of college President Dr. Wilson Oyelaran. “A chunk of it [the racism] changed when the president came.”
When all is said and done, Young attributes the rude behavior he and his staff have experienced to the relative privilege of students at Kalamazoo. “Some students have never worked – and they don’t have compassion.” Amanda Geer, a freshman at Kalamazoo College, feels strongly that everyone is nice to security and members of the staff at K. “I’m nice to everybody,” she says. “Except for people I hate.”
If there is any kind of criminal activity bubbling under the surface of K’s seemingly idyllic campus, for the most part it has to do with drugs and alcohol. Under the Cleary Act of 1989, all undergraduate universities in the United States are required by law to report all criminal activity that occurs on campuses across the country. Last year, while there were no aggravated assaults or reported cases of robbery, there were one hundred and fifty five liquor law violations, and ten drug-related violations. In every one of the liquor law violations, not one arrest was made. Instead, disciplinary action by the school was taken. All but two of the drug-related offenses were treated in the same manner.
Young, who retired from the Paw Paw, Michigan state police force several years ago, takes the job of supervising security at K seriously, but ultimately, doesn’t seem too worried about criminal activity on campus. He sits in the over air-conditioned security office, so cold compared to the heat of the oncoming summer weather outside that goose bumps rise on his brown skin. “We all get held accountable, at the end of the day,” he says, and he leans back in his chair.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Revised Profile
Scraping By: Life on the Small Farms of Southwest Michigan
May 19th, 2009
By Elizabeth Porter
Willie the boar grunts. He shoves his glossy wet nose into the side of a plump female pig several times. He sniffs, grunts again, and with surprising agility for the three-hundred plus pound animal, hoists himself onto the back of the impatient looking female. “The first pigs he tried to mount were cut males,” Kim, his owner, sighs. “We thought he was gay at first – but now he’s doing his job.” By “doing his job” what Kim means is that Willie is functional – if only with some rather intimate assistance from Kim. Kim entering the pig pen dons rubber gloves and explains the procedure of “lining it up.” He says that on a good day, he can ensure that Willie’s rather skinny penis enters, “the right hole.”
Willie’s sole purpose on this farm, owned by Kim and his wife Sandy, is to sire offspring: offspring that will grow up grazing under the lush organic apple orchards of the farm, and will eventually be butchered, sold and, ultimately, provide an income for the McNee family.
Usually, this story would serve as a marginally humorous anecdote, maybe a good bar story or the “gay pig” punch line of some low-brow joke. But for the McNees’, the seemingly homosexual pig, and what he means for their bottom line is a serious problem.
On a drizzling Monday morning, the rolling landscape of Paw Paw, Michigan is a graying blur. On the outskirts of Paw Paw, past an aging bowling alley, a few haggard mechanic shops, and a dimly lit diner, a gravel road twists towards the McNees’ farm. A large, prominently displayed sign reads “DEAD END” and hangs haphazardly on a rusting signpost; the smell of manure is thick.
Sandy stands on the front step of her small house. She is past sixty, and her dark hair seems too youthful against her aged face. “You don’t have to take off your shoes – I just hate shoes,” she explains, as she hobbles, barefoot, to the recliner in her small living room.
She and her husband Kim have been farming here for the past fifteen years, the two of them doing almost all the work it takes to grow and harvest their organic vegetables and now, increasingly, hogs and cattle. To sustain Barefoot Farm, the only additional labor they bring in is the occasional high school kid, usually in the summer, when the backbreaking field work becomes too much for them. They estimate their average workday at sixteen hours, give or take, during those summer months.
Sandy hobbles outside to the greenhouse toward her seedlings. Severe arthritis and old injuries make walking a struggle, and it seems to take a long time to get to the field. Sandy sighs and admits to the pain. “I have a high pain tolerance and I’m stubborn as hell.”
Entering the greenhouse, where Sandy spends most of her time, rows and rows of tiny green shoots are lined up; box after box of the sprouting plants are just breaking the surface of dark soil. She points to different groups of boxes: jalapeños, onions, broccoli, some lettuces, zucchini, even garlic.
Regardless of the difficultly of the farm tasks, she and Kim make it on the profits they earn at the weekly farmers markets all over southwest Michigan. Travelling sometimes up to an hour, Sandy and Kim wake at 3 or 4 on the mornings they go to the market. On one drizzly market morning, the crowds that pour into the small stalls, picking over produce and freshly butchered meats, hover over Sandy and Kim’s booth, shoving handfuls of fives and ones over the mountains of vegetables. These market days gross a surprising amount of money for the McNees, typically upwards of six or seven hundred dollars, much more on a good day. Back in the greenhouse, talking about money pushes a nagging problem to the forefront of Sandy’s thoughts. She sighs. She starts to talk about the problems with Willie the boar.
For the last several weeks, she and Kim have been trying with yet unknown success to ensure that Willie impregnates as many of the young females as possible. “There’s no pregnancy test for pigs, unlike cows,” Sandy informs me. Not that a pregnancy test seems needed in any case. Just in the last few days have the McNees begun to see success with Willie, meaning he has, indeed, begun to mount females. However, it has been a long struggle to get him to this point. Getting Willie to adjust has been difficult; getting him to procreate has proved impossible. Given the choice, or just the chance, he will mount one of the McNees’ cut males.
The gamble of whether or not Willie has done his job is a palpable source of stress to Sandy and Kim. As the McNees age, it becomes harder every year to maintain the farm solely off of the profits they make on agriculture and the McNees are increasingly reliant on the gamble of raising livestock. Sandy wrinkles her brow and runs her hands together, thoughtful. “Physically, the vegetables are getting harder to do,” she says.
And yet, the McNees seem sure that if they could produce enough pork next year to start phasing into livestock, and out of agriculture, that they will make it. They describe themselves, even after twenty-one years together, as best friends. “I was born to be a farmer,” Sandy says. Kim doesn’t say anything, but seems to agree with Sandy, and nods his head. Kim finally looks up. If it weren’t for the financial burden, farming would be their ideal lifestyle. “I wish I were richer,” Kim finally says, his sun weathered skin wrinkling like leather as he laughs, a mix of anxious joy, smiling through the struggle.
WORD COUNT: 976
May 19th, 2009
By Elizabeth Porter
Willie the boar grunts. He shoves his glossy wet nose into the side of a plump female pig several times. He sniffs, grunts again, and with surprising agility for the three-hundred plus pound animal, hoists himself onto the back of the impatient looking female. “The first pigs he tried to mount were cut males,” Kim, his owner, sighs. “We thought he was gay at first – but now he’s doing his job.” By “doing his job” what Kim means is that Willie is functional – if only with some rather intimate assistance from Kim. Kim entering the pig pen dons rubber gloves and explains the procedure of “lining it up.” He says that on a good day, he can ensure that Willie’s rather skinny penis enters, “the right hole.”
Willie’s sole purpose on this farm, owned by Kim and his wife Sandy, is to sire offspring: offspring that will grow up grazing under the lush organic apple orchards of the farm, and will eventually be butchered, sold and, ultimately, provide an income for the McNee family.
Usually, this story would serve as a marginally humorous anecdote, maybe a good bar story or the “gay pig” punch line of some low-brow joke. But for the McNees’, the seemingly homosexual pig, and what he means for their bottom line is a serious problem.
On a drizzling Monday morning, the rolling landscape of Paw Paw, Michigan is a graying blur. On the outskirts of Paw Paw, past an aging bowling alley, a few haggard mechanic shops, and a dimly lit diner, a gravel road twists towards the McNees’ farm. A large, prominently displayed sign reads “DEAD END” and hangs haphazardly on a rusting signpost; the smell of manure is thick.
Sandy stands on the front step of her small house. She is past sixty, and her dark hair seems too youthful against her aged face. “You don’t have to take off your shoes – I just hate shoes,” she explains, as she hobbles, barefoot, to the recliner in her small living room.
She and her husband Kim have been farming here for the past fifteen years, the two of them doing almost all the work it takes to grow and harvest their organic vegetables and now, increasingly, hogs and cattle. To sustain Barefoot Farm, the only additional labor they bring in is the occasional high school kid, usually in the summer, when the backbreaking field work becomes too much for them. They estimate their average workday at sixteen hours, give or take, during those summer months.
Sandy hobbles outside to the greenhouse toward her seedlings. Severe arthritis and old injuries make walking a struggle, and it seems to take a long time to get to the field. Sandy sighs and admits to the pain. “I have a high pain tolerance and I’m stubborn as hell.”
Entering the greenhouse, where Sandy spends most of her time, rows and rows of tiny green shoots are lined up; box after box of the sprouting plants are just breaking the surface of dark soil. She points to different groups of boxes: jalapeños, onions, broccoli, some lettuces, zucchini, even garlic.
Regardless of the difficultly of the farm tasks, she and Kim make it on the profits they earn at the weekly farmers markets all over southwest Michigan. Travelling sometimes up to an hour, Sandy and Kim wake at 3 or 4 on the mornings they go to the market. On one drizzly market morning, the crowds that pour into the small stalls, picking over produce and freshly butchered meats, hover over Sandy and Kim’s booth, shoving handfuls of fives and ones over the mountains of vegetables. These market days gross a surprising amount of money for the McNees, typically upwards of six or seven hundred dollars, much more on a good day. Back in the greenhouse, talking about money pushes a nagging problem to the forefront of Sandy’s thoughts. She sighs. She starts to talk about the problems with Willie the boar.
For the last several weeks, she and Kim have been trying with yet unknown success to ensure that Willie impregnates as many of the young females as possible. “There’s no pregnancy test for pigs, unlike cows,” Sandy informs me. Not that a pregnancy test seems needed in any case. Just in the last few days have the McNees begun to see success with Willie, meaning he has, indeed, begun to mount females. However, it has been a long struggle to get him to this point. Getting Willie to adjust has been difficult; getting him to procreate has proved impossible. Given the choice, or just the chance, he will mount one of the McNees’ cut males.
The gamble of whether or not Willie has done his job is a palpable source of stress to Sandy and Kim. As the McNees age, it becomes harder every year to maintain the farm solely off of the profits they make on agriculture and the McNees are increasingly reliant on the gamble of raising livestock. Sandy wrinkles her brow and runs her hands together, thoughtful. “Physically, the vegetables are getting harder to do,” she says.
And yet, the McNees seem sure that if they could produce enough pork next year to start phasing into livestock, and out of agriculture, that they will make it. They describe themselves, even after twenty-one years together, as best friends. “I was born to be a farmer,” Sandy says. Kim doesn’t say anything, but seems to agree with Sandy, and nods his head. Kim finally looks up. If it weren’t for the financial burden, farming would be their ideal lifestyle. “I wish I were richer,” Kim finally says, his sun weathered skin wrinkling like leather as he laughs, a mix of anxious joy, smiling through the struggle.
WORD COUNT: 976
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Week 7: Reading Response
I liked "The Road is Unfair" much better than "Access."
Both articles brought up ethical issues, but I feel like Conover did a much better job of navigating a different culture. His writing does not come across as judgemental - he just says it the way it happens. Somehow, I think this gives the reader a sense of power - there isn't an interpretation already glossed onto the story. The reader is able to think whatever they think.
One example of this is Conover's treatment of Bradford as a character. The frustrating thing about Bradford is that he KNOWS how AIDS is spread - he totally gets it. But he sleeps with prostitutes anyway...BUT Conover doesn't describe the scene where this happens with judgment. It just happens. I decided on my own that Bradford is a frustrating character, and I like having that power as a reader. In a way, it makes the point that *presumably* Conover is making more palatable - I don't feel like I am being spoon fed something that already seems biased.
This is different Kramer's story. From the first sentence of "Access" the narrative is rife with his own judgments. I lost interest in the story MUCH more quickly, in part because I felt like the answer to what these people, this culture, was about at the time was already given to me - and it wasn't my answer, it was Kramers.
That said, both pieces relate to the chapter on Ethics. Obviously, it is an ethical issue how you paint the characters in the book. This is something I struggle with as a writer - I need to get over feeling guilty when I write what I see...the way I see it. I think I need more of Conover's "What I see" and less of Kramer's "How I see it." Although I DID like Tracy Kidder's comparison of an interview, and the need to convey what the consequences of an interview might be, to Miranda rights. I need to figure out how to word my own version of "Miranda rights" before an interview. I think that might help the guilt factor I feel in writing. That, and keeping a boundary between me and my interviewee...there is ALWAYS the temptation to start think they are your friend...
Both articles brought up ethical issues, but I feel like Conover did a much better job of navigating a different culture. His writing does not come across as judgemental - he just says it the way it happens. Somehow, I think this gives the reader a sense of power - there isn't an interpretation already glossed onto the story. The reader is able to think whatever they think.
One example of this is Conover's treatment of Bradford as a character. The frustrating thing about Bradford is that he KNOWS how AIDS is spread - he totally gets it. But he sleeps with prostitutes anyway...BUT Conover doesn't describe the scene where this happens with judgment. It just happens. I decided on my own that Bradford is a frustrating character, and I like having that power as a reader. In a way, it makes the point that *presumably* Conover is making more palatable - I don't feel like I am being spoon fed something that already seems biased.
This is different Kramer's story. From the first sentence of "Access" the narrative is rife with his own judgments. I lost interest in the story MUCH more quickly, in part because I felt like the answer to what these people, this culture, was about at the time was already given to me - and it wasn't my answer, it was Kramers.
That said, both pieces relate to the chapter on Ethics. Obviously, it is an ethical issue how you paint the characters in the book. This is something I struggle with as a writer - I need to get over feeling guilty when I write what I see...the way I see it. I think I need more of Conover's "What I see" and less of Kramer's "How I see it." Although I DID like Tracy Kidder's comparison of an interview, and the need to convey what the consequences of an interview might be, to Miranda rights. I need to figure out how to word my own version of "Miranda rights" before an interview. I think that might help the guilt factor I feel in writing. That, and keeping a boundary between me and my interviewee...there is ALWAYS the temptation to start think they are your friend...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Comments
Jackie -
I can see you are struggling here...I guess I would ask you: Is this a profile of Lisa, or a profile of the health center? I think you need to narrow everything down to a specific part of the health center, if that's what its about. What about mental health at K? You mentioned Lisa is very interested in repro. rights. Could you talk about how THAT has influenced her work?
Right now it just seems to clean...there's no tension, no real theme.
It's tough though, I know...especially when you have a lot of ground to cover, and a lot of different directions that it could go.
Mae -
I think there's a lot of potential here.
I think the article needs to offer the reader some MORE than what they would get just walking into a bar - I KNEW your story before you told it, if that makes sense. (anyone who's been in a dive bar does).
I think it needs to be more complex - like Jackie, I think you need to figure out where the tension is. Is there one person in particular that you could focus on? Is there some part of the neighborhood you could look into? You mention drunk driving in passing...what about looking into that issue and how bars are handling that in Kalamazoo?
Like I said though, there's a lot of potential. I like your descriptions.
Regis -
I like your story - its about something different, someplace I have never been before and know nothing about. I am interested to hear what you have to say at workshop tonight.
I DO think it could use a better lede - I really wish, given that your topic is really interesting, you have given me something more to get pulled into.
Also, I realize that we just did personal essays...but your profile sounds too much like a personal essay I think. (I mean...that's my opinion though...) I think it needs more focus. Less "I" and more of a target for the reader to hone in on...
This is going to be good though, I can tell...
Toni -
I just love your writing. You have such excellent descriptions, and such active verbs - I love how they "plop" a bag of cheetos and a soda on the counter - that one word says so much: they are casual kids, carefree, comfortable - this seems like a place they must come often.
And your descriptions make me remember Las Juanitas almost exactly, even though it has been months since I have been there.
I think the one place where I would like to see more is....well, honestly, I wish your story had more trouble. It needs something to pull me along...its just too perfect.
I think you need to go back and poke around...this is the one place you WANT to find trouble, drama, problems...it does need to be positive, in fact, I feel like readers enjoy reading about trouble..
Martin -
One thing that I am coming to love about your writing is that you know just how much you should be in the story. I love the details about your sense of smell being deadened...and at the same time, there is no self-judgment or otherwise in your writing. If there is (rarely) its humorous. It's so honest...and that's powerful, because you can get your readers to trust you...
Would it be wrong to say that I see nothing immediately in need of revision? You really SHOW people what it feels like to be in Fourth Coast...and there is definitely tension lurking under the surface. Maybe it needs more of a direction, early on? That's about all I can think of...
Very nice job.
Austin -
I really, really like this piece, with one exception....I hate to be so blunt...but, well: Is this actually a profile? Or is it a personal essay?
Your writing is great, I love the details you include. I love that you can see dialogue and the reader really gets inside your head. But, it seems like a personal experience. What is it a profile OF?
I can see you are struggling here...I guess I would ask you: Is this a profile of Lisa, or a profile of the health center? I think you need to narrow everything down to a specific part of the health center, if that's what its about. What about mental health at K? You mentioned Lisa is very interested in repro. rights. Could you talk about how THAT has influenced her work?
Right now it just seems to clean...there's no tension, no real theme.
It's tough though, I know...especially when you have a lot of ground to cover, and a lot of different directions that it could go.
Mae -
I think there's a lot of potential here.
I think the article needs to offer the reader some MORE than what they would get just walking into a bar - I KNEW your story before you told it, if that makes sense. (anyone who's been in a dive bar does).
I think it needs to be more complex - like Jackie, I think you need to figure out where the tension is. Is there one person in particular that you could focus on? Is there some part of the neighborhood you could look into? You mention drunk driving in passing...what about looking into that issue and how bars are handling that in Kalamazoo?
Like I said though, there's a lot of potential. I like your descriptions.
Regis -
I like your story - its about something different, someplace I have never been before and know nothing about. I am interested to hear what you have to say at workshop tonight.
I DO think it could use a better lede - I really wish, given that your topic is really interesting, you have given me something more to get pulled into.
Also, I realize that we just did personal essays...but your profile sounds too much like a personal essay I think. (I mean...that's my opinion though...) I think it needs more focus. Less "I" and more of a target for the reader to hone in on...
This is going to be good though, I can tell...
Toni -
I just love your writing. You have such excellent descriptions, and such active verbs - I love how they "plop" a bag of cheetos and a soda on the counter - that one word says so much: they are casual kids, carefree, comfortable - this seems like a place they must come often.
And your descriptions make me remember Las Juanitas almost exactly, even though it has been months since I have been there.
I think the one place where I would like to see more is....well, honestly, I wish your story had more trouble. It needs something to pull me along...its just too perfect.
I think you need to go back and poke around...this is the one place you WANT to find trouble, drama, problems...it does need to be positive, in fact, I feel like readers enjoy reading about trouble..
Martin -
One thing that I am coming to love about your writing is that you know just how much you should be in the story. I love the details about your sense of smell being deadened...and at the same time, there is no self-judgment or otherwise in your writing. If there is (rarely) its humorous. It's so honest...and that's powerful, because you can get your readers to trust you...
Would it be wrong to say that I see nothing immediately in need of revision? You really SHOW people what it feels like to be in Fourth Coast...and there is definitely tension lurking under the surface. Maybe it needs more of a direction, early on? That's about all I can think of...
Very nice job.
Austin -
I really, really like this piece, with one exception....I hate to be so blunt...but, well: Is this actually a profile? Or is it a personal essay?
Your writing is great, I love the details you include. I love that you can see dialogue and the reader really gets inside your head. But, it seems like a personal experience. What is it a profile OF?
Week 6: Writing Process
The most difficult thing about writing this story is that I HAD NO IDEA WHERE TO BEGIN. I guess it might be obvious from the lede, but basically, I just decided to cut straight to the point - what would I say if I were trying to explain this story to a group of my friends, in one sentence? And...that's what I wrote. But somehow, I feel like it could be stronger...
There is SO much I could have written - if our word limit was longer, I would have been able to flesh out Sandy's character much more. She's a hoot - and there are SO MANY darn good quotes that I wish I could have included that say so much about her outlook on life, which is one that I love. Sandy: "I have my shit together, sometime I just don't know where it is" (on life in general) Or, "Natures a bitch as it is, I don't know why people feel like they need to change it" (on all non-organic farming) Or, "He's a very disgusting person. He loves this work" (on her husband, Kim).
So, basically, my hurdles with this piece focused on discerning what was ESSENTIAL and what was not...there is so much here, and so much tension that figuring out what, exactly, I would focus on as tension...(the love story between Kim and Sandy, the economic struggle of sustaining the farm, organic versus non-organic farming, etc)it was difficult to compile succinctly.
Honestly, when I sat down to write, I typed my lede. Then I went downstairs, had a glass of wine, looked over my notes with a highlighter, and just started writing what I thought was most important. I still don't feel like I did it justice...but, it seems increasingly like that is sortof what its like to write...to not ever feel like you have something perfect...
There is SO much I could have written - if our word limit was longer, I would have been able to flesh out Sandy's character much more. She's a hoot - and there are SO MANY darn good quotes that I wish I could have included that say so much about her outlook on life, which is one that I love. Sandy: "I have my shit together, sometime I just don't know where it is" (on life in general) Or, "Natures a bitch as it is, I don't know why people feel like they need to change it" (on all non-organic farming) Or, "He's a very disgusting person. He loves this work" (on her husband, Kim).
So, basically, my hurdles with this piece focused on discerning what was ESSENTIAL and what was not...there is so much here, and so much tension that figuring out what, exactly, I would focus on as tension...(the love story between Kim and Sandy, the economic struggle of sustaining the farm, organic versus non-organic farming, etc)it was difficult to compile succinctly.
Honestly, when I sat down to write, I typed my lede. Then I went downstairs, had a glass of wine, looked over my notes with a highlighter, and just started writing what I thought was most important. I still don't feel like I did it justice...but, it seems increasingly like that is sortof what its like to write...to not ever feel like you have something perfect...
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