Comments

Jackie -

I can see you are struggling here...I guess I would ask you: Is this a profile of Lisa, or a profile of the health center? I think you need to narrow everything down to a specific part of the health center, if that's what its about. What about mental health at K? You mentioned Lisa is very interested in repro. rights. Could you talk about how THAT has influenced her work?

Right now it just seems to clean...there's no tension, no real theme.

It's tough though, I know...especially when you have a lot of ground to cover, and a lot of different directions that it could go.


Mae -

I think there's a lot of potential here.

I think the article needs to offer the reader some MORE than what they would get just walking into a bar - I KNEW your story before you told it, if that makes sense. (anyone who's been in a dive bar does).

I think it needs to be more complex - like Jackie, I think you need to figure out where the tension is. Is there one person in particular that you could focus on? Is there some part of the neighborhood you could look into? You mention drunk driving in passing...what about looking into that issue and how bars are handling that in Kalamazoo?

Like I said though, there's a lot of potential. I like your descriptions.


Regis -

I like your story - its about something different, someplace I have never been before and know nothing about. I am interested to hear what you have to say at workshop tonight.

I DO think it could use a better lede - I really wish, given that your topic is really interesting, you have given me something more to get pulled into.

Also, I realize that we just did personal essays...but your profile sounds too much like a personal essay I think. (I mean...that's my opinion though...) I think it needs more focus. Less "I" and more of a target for the reader to hone in on...

This is going to be good though, I can tell...


Toni -

I just love your writing. You have such excellent descriptions, and such active verbs - I love how they "plop" a bag of cheetos and a soda on the counter - that one word says so much: they are casual kids, carefree, comfortable - this seems like a place they must come often.

And your descriptions make me remember Las Juanitas almost exactly, even though it has been months since I have been there.

I think the one place where I would like to see more is....well, honestly, I wish your story had more trouble. It needs something to pull me along...its just too perfect.

I think you need to go back and poke around...this is the one place you WANT to find trouble, drama, problems...it does need to be positive, in fact, I feel like readers enjoy reading about trouble..

Martin -

One thing that I am coming to love about your writing is that you know just how much you should be in the story. I love the details about your sense of smell being deadened...and at the same time, there is no self-judgment or otherwise in your writing. If there is (rarely) its humorous. It's so honest...and that's powerful, because you can get your readers to trust you...

Would it be wrong to say that I see nothing immediately in need of revision? You really SHOW people what it feels like to be in Fourth Coast...and there is definitely tension lurking under the surface. Maybe it needs more of a direction, early on? That's about all I can think of...

Very nice job.

Austin -

I really, really like this piece, with one exception....I hate to be so blunt...but, well: Is this actually a profile? Or is it a personal essay?

Your writing is great, I love the details you include. I love that you can see dialogue and the reader really gets inside your head. But, it seems like a personal experience. What is it a profile OF?