Well, alright. This article was tricky to craft - I had over 12 pages of notes, and, as I think it is evident from the writing, I was unclear about how to structure this.
I think, too, that I was not sure what I should focus on. As usual, I had a very different "vision" for this article - at first, I thought it would be about the lack of security and deficient policies on campus. In fact, it turned out to be quite the opposite story as I interviewed more and more people - the attitude of the students, the racial issues surrounding security on our campus, etc, reflected a completely different story.
That said, I want it to be more than whining about how K students are just so mean to staff here. I want it to have some overall point of emphasis, a "take away message" but that may not be something I can force out of a story. It just is what it is right now - a series of somewhat interesting observations.
I think my "diagnosis" of what I need to do from here is this: interview MORE, structure this MORE, and perhaps write an outline to hone in of what, exactly, this article is about.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Comments on Final Article Drafts
Austin -
I do like that you composed an outline - it helps me to see where you are going. There are lots of interesting pieces that could be developed here - Are you going to focus on Jan and his background, or the GLBT groups he is involved with? Or are you focusing on Fire? It was a little unclear, but obviously, once you do the interviews you will have a lot of material to work with.
Jackie -
Hey, I really feel your passion about the topic in this piece. That said, I think that the beginning is much stronger than the middle/end of the piece. I know how hard it can be to not turn a topic you care about from a well reported piece into a rant...but I would be careful to NOT make it a rant. You will actually win over more readers if you use more quotations, anecdotes to back-up your assertions. (which are, after all, very valid - but you don't need to convince me, you need to the rest of the people who might read this).
Finally, I feel that several of the paragraphs at the beginning of the piece AFTER the nut graph could be shortened or cut - a few of the lines I have underlined on the copy I printed out and will give back to you tonight are redundant.
Martin -
As usual, you have such skill at making your writing flow and transition so smoothly. I love the way that you write!
I also enjoyed your intro - the first paragraph is the strongest. I wish the transition from night/day was stronger - you really need to make that the "pivot point" of your article. I THINK you intended the day-transition to illuminate the environmental issues with the dunes - but you could make that much stronger.
I think it would also improve the piece if there were more detailed illustrations of the problem - like more quotes and anecdotes.
Overall, though, I do love your piece - the only significant problem is that it is so smooth that it almost...floppy?...for lack of a better word. I think you need to structure this a little more, make the transitions stronger.
Regis -
I think the first thing with this piece is that it needs a stronger lede. I am sort of unsure WHO this is about. I do love how you flesh out the Noah's character - the details about his life and childhood were great. I loved the bit about Dilbert. I'm not sure I really see what his plight is here - is it to do science projects that sometimes don't work out?
Overall, I think the piece just needs more focus. Towards the end, I was really left wondering what this was about...I think the wonderful details you provide could be better organized to provide a clear image of Noah? or whomever you want the focus to be on.
Toni -
I think you do a really good job with this piece. I love that you give just enough background information on growing grapes (something I know little about) and the history of Ohio to give us a good sense of the context for this story.
You must have really good interviewing technique because you get great quotes out of people - I think you could utilize this to get some more "local color" about who goes to this winery, as opposed to the "entertainment wineries" that Gretchen talks about. Could you interview someone who goes to visit?
Overall, the transitions and details are lovely - you have A LOT of information in here, but you package it really well. The one weak transition is at the top of the third page..."She's not a Riesling person..." What is the significance of this quote? It seemed awkward and a little out of place.
Other than that, I really, really enjoyed reading this! Nice work - you are a gifted writer!
I do like that you composed an outline - it helps me to see where you are going. There are lots of interesting pieces that could be developed here - Are you going to focus on Jan and his background, or the GLBT groups he is involved with? Or are you focusing on Fire? It was a little unclear, but obviously, once you do the interviews you will have a lot of material to work with.
Jackie -
Hey, I really feel your passion about the topic in this piece. That said, I think that the beginning is much stronger than the middle/end of the piece. I know how hard it can be to not turn a topic you care about from a well reported piece into a rant...but I would be careful to NOT make it a rant. You will actually win over more readers if you use more quotations, anecdotes to back-up your assertions. (which are, after all, very valid - but you don't need to convince me, you need to the rest of the people who might read this).
Finally, I feel that several of the paragraphs at the beginning of the piece AFTER the nut graph could be shortened or cut - a few of the lines I have underlined on the copy I printed out and will give back to you tonight are redundant.
Martin -
As usual, you have such skill at making your writing flow and transition so smoothly. I love the way that you write!
I also enjoyed your intro - the first paragraph is the strongest. I wish the transition from night/day was stronger - you really need to make that the "pivot point" of your article. I THINK you intended the day-transition to illuminate the environmental issues with the dunes - but you could make that much stronger.
I think it would also improve the piece if there were more detailed illustrations of the problem - like more quotes and anecdotes.
Overall, though, I do love your piece - the only significant problem is that it is so smooth that it almost...floppy?...for lack of a better word. I think you need to structure this a little more, make the transitions stronger.
Regis -
I think the first thing with this piece is that it needs a stronger lede. I am sort of unsure WHO this is about. I do love how you flesh out the Noah's character - the details about his life and childhood were great. I loved the bit about Dilbert. I'm not sure I really see what his plight is here - is it to do science projects that sometimes don't work out?
Overall, I think the piece just needs more focus. Towards the end, I was really left wondering what this was about...I think the wonderful details you provide could be better organized to provide a clear image of Noah? or whomever you want the focus to be on.
Toni -
I think you do a really good job with this piece. I love that you give just enough background information on growing grapes (something I know little about) and the history of Ohio to give us a good sense of the context for this story.
You must have really good interviewing technique because you get great quotes out of people - I think you could utilize this to get some more "local color" about who goes to this winery, as opposed to the "entertainment wineries" that Gretchen talks about. Could you interview someone who goes to visit?
Overall, the transitions and details are lovely - you have A LOT of information in here, but you package it really well. The one weak transition is at the top of the third page..."She's not a Riesling person..." What is the significance of this quote? It seemed awkward and a little out of place.
Other than that, I really, really enjoyed reading this! Nice work - you are a gifted writer!
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