Comments About Other People's Blogs

Toni:

Toni, you have such an interesting topic here. I really felt in tune with what you were talking about!

As far as the writing, the only point that was confusing was your introduction. The first time around, I thought that your post-weight loss state was when you developed the healthy mindset about food and eating...when, when you thinking about describing white bread as "poison" still seemed a little extreme. In other words, there didn't seem like there had been a REAL transition until the very end - maybe you could build on that a little?

I really enjoyed reading your article though!

Martin:

This is excellent. You are one of those gifted people that can somehow blend sadness with humor...in this really weird, fascinating ironic way. Like the detail about how you LIKE the smell of hospitals - that really illustrated your mindset, in a sad, but kind of funny, way.

I thought this was great, Martin. There was some word choice stuff that I would change, but I thought that overall it was extremely well done.

Regis:

COMMAS!!!

I really thought your article was interesting. But COMMAS?? Where, are, the, commas!!!!??? It drove me nuts.

Other than that, there's definitely PLENTY of interesting stuff here. It would have been more powerful if there had been a really clear transition point. WHEN, exactly, (notice the commas I just used? sorry, can't help it...) did you have the change in how you saw your situation? Was it the first time you were robbed, or the second? You made it seem like it was when you were walking around waiting for a cab, and then...you were robbed again.

Overall though, it really held my attention.

Mae:


I feel like if this were to be published, it would be so timely! Everywhere I go, I seem to run into people who want to talk about anxiety issues on this campus!

I think, like any first draft, the lede and kicker could be revised to do justice to your subject matter. Maybe you could BEGIN the piece with your mother's anxiety attack, as in, anecdotally?

I enjoyed it - the little details esp the bit about "stampeding kids trying to escape high school" were really good.

Jackie:

First off, I LOVED YOUR ARTICLE. I just really, really liked your voice, and it came across as really likable and accessible - like someone the reader would want to have a conversation with! You are so direct and concise - which makes what could be a sort of vague topic really flowing.The only thing I could think to say would be about the kicker - I think it could come full circle with your story - like, maybe you could end with an anecdote about your parents or about leaving the conference? I think that would give it a sense of completion.

Austin:

I really enjoyed the details that you included in your piece. I laughed out loud at the detail about face cream! Also, your description of your perfect man was so detailed and specific - it really gave me a clear image.

I think the only thing I would have liked to see was a more finished ending - although obviously you aren't done yet! I will be really excited to re-read it when you are all finished!

Toni:

I just need to get this off my chest: reading your article made me want to give you a hug! Your junior year sounds like it was just so, so miserable!

That said, I guess the fact that I felt that way speaks to your extensive detail and descriptions - which I really enjoyed.

The ending sounds a little too much like an academic essay. That's easily changeable though.

Overall, really nice work. And, for the record, after reading your piece I will never, ever go on a trampoline!