Assignment 1: April 6, 2009

Engaged? Stumbling Upon the Mrs. Degree at K College

I remember my mother telling me a few days before I left for college that when she was a freshman at Northwestern in the late 1960’s, the goal for almost every one of her girlfriends was to find a husband by graduation. I remember how shocked I had been: “Seriously?” I had asked her, my mouth hanging open, incredulous. The idea of getting married immediately after college was something I had never even heard of, much less considered even a slight possibilities for myself. When a handful of friends from high school, and one or two of my college classmates, became romantically serious with someone and then engaged junior year, I will admit that I sometimes judged them, at times felt sorry for them. Getting married at 22 and 23 just doesn’t seem to happen in my generation, and it is not nearly as common as it was in my mother’s and grandmother’s generations.

So when I found myself leaning over the glass countertop in the jewelry section at Boscov’s last month, the glass warm under my palms from the reflected lighting, a million glittering engagement rings sparkling under my eyes, the scene felt dream-like; not only because of the two glasses of champagne I had just downed.

A week after St. Patrick’s Day, I found myself at a crossroads; the question, popped half romantically, and half practically, was a weird illustration of the generational differences between my mother and I. After discovering that my Teach for America placement could only be negotiated based on whether or not my partner was also my husband-to-be, the proposal happened over the phone, after a serious discussion. Followed by mutual agreement.

I am happy with the decision. While I anticipate a long engagement – maybe sooner than five years, but who can really tell – there was not the requisite formality that my mother’s generation would have expected. No bended knee, no anxiety-fraught request of permission from my father. (My parents, true to the 21^st century, are divorced anyway – which leads me to wonder how the modern age will affect our wedding announcements). At any rate, I know that this is the right life decision for me, intuitively I feel good about it. But somehow the surreal nature of my modern-day engagement, the concept of a wedding, with church bells and rings and cake, still baffles me.

It seems to throw off my friends too. One of my closest girlfriends told me recently that she just didn’t think I was “the kind of person,” that got engaged. Conversely, an old study abroad buddy from Hope College Facebooked me to say “CONGRAGULATIONS!!” I get the idea that at Hope, being engaged is not as rare in their graduating class. The response from another friend, who attends the ultra-left leaning Scripps College in southern California quite a different post on my wall: “Holy SHIT, you’re ENGAGED????”

Last week, I went to Barnes and Noble to figure out just how someone throws a wedding, anyway. After all, they don’t exactly teach that in college. What is the etiquette on announcing your engagement? Does Facebook count as acceptable these days? I selected a few outrageously priced magazines, all with smiling brides on each glossy page, all wearing white. Would I wear white? Is that too traditional? Does that cramp my feminist style? As I purchased the magazines, the clerk – a girl about my age - looked at me sort of like I had looked at myself in the mirror that morning: Really? her face seemed to say. I, too, am still in the process of convincing myself that I am, really, engaged.

For now, I am wearing my grandmother’s anniversary ring, until we can afford a “real” engagement ring. On Graduation Day, I imagine myself preparing to walk across the stage: all requirements completed, SIP turned in. Cap: check. Gown: check. Ring: check. I will carry my grandmother’s ring, perched on my right hand, across the stage, and I can’t help but wonder, knowing what my mother would say about her generation, just what my grandmother might tell me about hers.